


Talk To Me

by saranmaglyn



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, Older lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25565380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saranmaglyn/pseuds/saranmaglyn
Summary: Jocelyn experiences a sudden decline in her vision leading her back into old behaviour patterns that go hard on both her and Maggie.
Relationships: Jocelyn Knight/Maggie Radcliffe
Comments: 57
Kudos: 70





	1. I'm fine

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by a song sent to me by a friend

It is around 9 in the morning and Jocelyn is sitting at the dining room table which is filled with files and documents for a new case she wants to take on. It has been a while. She takes one of the files and places it in front of her. While opening it to the front page she puts on her reading glasses which have been resting on the top of her head. Without them she wouldn't even have to try reading. But today she still has a lot of trouble making out what's written without immediately getting a headache. Her sight is gradually getting worse, she is well aware of that annoying fact, but for some reason it feels as if the white spot has gotten A LOT worse over night. Jocelyn removes the glasses and closes her eyes for a moment. After opening them and putting her glasses back on her nose she tries again. But it's the same. Shit. What's going on?  
She sits back and looks out of the window, arms crossed. Her lips are pursed and her eyes look worried. This is bad. If she can't even read the documents anymore in the morning, after her eyes had rest, then what does that mean for a trial? She knows what it means. It means she'll need help with every single thing. It all has to be read to her. In court, she will have to almost completely rely on her memory of the things she listened to because it will be hard to read her notes while keeping up with what's happening in the room. She used to be able to read her own share of documents and have Maggie help her with the rest if she wasn't filming stuff for her surprisingly well-going Youtube channel. She can't ask her to record everything, it would be too much work. And she won't ask people she doesn't know, even if they work for her. As much as she would like to, she can't get over her pride and dignity. The great Jocelyn Knight admitting to barristers-to-be that she can't see for shit? Not happening, love. Coming to that conclusion, she gives it another try. She holds up the document and moves it in all directions in front of her face in order to read it. It actually works. She sighs. That's going to be her day, then. Moving paper around in the air to know what's going on.

“I'm home!” 

Jocelyn awakes with a start by someone calling from another room. Maggie. She's back already? What time is it? She looks at her watch. Her eyes need a moment to focus until she can make out that it must be after 4 p.m. She must have fallen asleep at the table after reading for too long. Suddenly, she feels a pounding behind her forehead. Her memory is coming back as well. Her eyes hurt so much from reading, she had put down her head on the table and closed her eyes, just to give them some rest. And there's that pain back as well. Then she hears footsteps coming closer as Maggie is making her way to her from the front door. 

“Hey, petal… How are you?” Maggie asks softly and bends down to give Jocelyn a kiss on the cheek. She proceeds to stand slightly behind her, hands on her love's shoulders and lets her look wander across the mess on the table.

“Been busy, haven't you? For the new trial you told me about? Any thoughts about it yet?”

“Uh… yeah, it seems like something for me. Complicated.” Jocelyn speaks rather silently and hates herself for it. Maggie will know something is up. Her journalist self knows humans way too good. But the headache and hurting eyes take up most of her brain right now.

“Okay. Is everything alright? You seem a bit startled by my arrival. I hope I didn't disturb some deep thoughts and reading.” 

Jocelyn turns her head to a smiling but also slightly worried looking Maggie.

“I'm fine, Mags.” she pulls herself out of her chair, puts her hand behind Maggie's ear and plants a kiss on her lipstick-red lips. Maggie closes her eyes in pleasure. This is her favourite part of the day ever since Jocelyn confessed her feelings on the cliff. Just to feel the woman she wanted for so long. They're resting their heads against each other's.

“Are you sure?” Maggie needs to be certain about this.

“Yes. Quite sure.” Jocelyn says, giving her a look telling her to stop trying.

“Alright, you've convinced me.” Maggie raises her hands in defence and laughs. She steps back and collects her thoughts. “Right. I'm gonna go change and transfer today's material onto my laptop. And after that we could make dinner? I'm starving.” A hand lands on her stomach to underline that statement.

“Sounds good. And then you can tell me all about your exciting day.” Jocelyn replies with a smile on her face before sitting back down.

Maggie makes her way up the stairs and Jocelyn closes the open file she had fallen asleep on. It makes no sense to continue with that hammering in her head. As if she could read anything anyway. Sighing she begins to sort her mess and pile the different documents on one side of the table so they can have dinner here later. Afterwards she stretches all her body parts. Her sleeping position wasn't very comfortable, she's afraid. A groan escapes her mouth before she walks into the kitchen to start making some chamomile tea. While the water boils, she pulls out a cook book to start looking for something easy to make. But it's draining her eyes too much so she lies it down on the counter top. It annoys her. Obviously it has been doing so for a while but this sudden decrease is worrying and very bad timing. So instead of searching for a meal, Jocelyn takes the tea pot from the shelf and pours the hot water in, adding the tea bag afterwards. Then she sits down and just waits for Maggie to come back down and decide what to eat.

A few minutes pass in which Jocelyn simply stares out of the window until Maggie turns up in the door frame. She stops there for a second to admire her lovely girlfriend who is sunken in thoughts. Then she sneaks up behind her and quickly pokes Jocelyn's sides. Jocelyn jerks and lets out a shriek before angrily turning around to look at Maggie.

“Maggie bloody Radcliffe! What in God's name are you doing?! You know how I hate that!” But the other woman just laughs. “You're impossible sometimes.”

“Well, got something in common, then, haven't we?” Maggie jokes.

“Ha ha.” Jocelyn says seriously.

“Look, I'm sorry, okay? But I just couldn't stop myself. It was too tempting! I won't do it again, though, I promise!” She makes a peace sign as a reassurance before wrapping her arms around Jocelyn. “I really promise.” She looks deep into the gray-blue eyes staring at her. “I love you.” 

“I'm afraid I love you too. And too much to be cross with you, anyway. So I accept your apology.” Jocelyn replies, her stern face turning into a smiley one. Who couldn't forgive her when looking into these beautiful ocean-blue eyes? And at these alluring lips which are smiling back at her? Then their lips touch and tongues entwine. All worries are forgotten during this moment of pure admiration and love. Until Maggie's stomachs growls loudly.

“I think we should get on with dinner, just your kisses won't help, I'm afraid.” Maggie slowly pulls away from Jocelyn to walk over to the fridge and see what's left.

“I leave the decision completely up to you tonight.” Jocelyn says, her failing vision in mind.

“Why, thank you. I think I need something fast. Do we still have those pizzas in the freezer, do you know?” Maggie asks, looking around to her love.

“If you didn't eat them and nobody stole them, yes.”

“Right, pizza it is then.” she decides, opens the freezer and takes out two frozen pizzas, spinach and magherita. Jocelyn goes to turn on the oven while Maggie removes the packagings.  
“Oh, you know what else we could eat? To balance it out a bit... I saw some leftover watermelon in the fridge. What do you think?”

“Sounds great. I'll get it.” Jocelyn takes the fruit out of the fridge and places it on the cutting board Maggie readied for her before sliding the pizzas into the oven. She takes a sharp knife from one of the drawers and begins to cut the melon into little pieces. Not too fast because she can't properly see where exactly she is cutting. But as careful as she is working, she still cuts herself. It's not bad so she decides to ignore it, for now, and continues. Maggie on the other hand of course notices the small red area on Jocelyn's finger.

“Petal, you're bleeding! Did that just happen? While you were cutting?” Worried, she looks from the hurt finger to the barrister's face and back.

“It's totally fine, Mags. I'll get a patch when I'm done. Should I still need one.” She refuses to look up and determinedly keeps going.

“No, it's not. I'm gonna get you that patch; just a minute.” The journalist hurries out of the room to search for a patch in her bag. She usually has a couple with her.

Meanwhile, Jocelyn has put the knife aside to examine the cut as good as she can. It's really not that bad, it's only very small. But it shouldn't have happened. Damn it. Those freaking eyes. She starts to get mad at herself and her failing sight. When Maggie returns, she shoves the negative thoughts as far away as possible (not too far) and tries to take the patch from her hands.

“No, no, let me do it, honey.” Maggie insists, removing the little packaging. Jocelyn sticks out her index finger to her and she carefully puts the patch on, adding a kiss as the finish.  
“There. Better isn't it?” 

Jocelyn rolls her eyes and nods in agreement.

“See. I'll do the rest of the cutting now and I will not hear anything against that. You can take out the pizzas in the mean time.”

“Yes, ma'am.” Jocelyn teases and catches herself a stuck-out tongue. She grins back while grabbing the oven gloves to get the pizzas out and put them onto two plates. From a drawer she takes the pizza wheel which Maggie brought with her when she moved in. She never was in need of a tool like that but she must admit, it can be rather practical. Maggie also finished up cutting little watermelon squares, takes two forks and walks to the sofa in the living room. 

“Oh, no table today, huh? Okay. I even made some space earlier.” Jocelyn says while following Maggie to the sofa, placing the plates on the coffee table in front of them.

“No, I don't feel like sitting properly. And this is much more fun, isn't it?” Maggie sits down waiting for Jocelyn to join who turns around again to walk back to the kitchen.

“The tea.” she explains. Back in the kitchen she fumbles for two mugs and almost drops one. Today really isn't a good day at all. She swiftly shakes her head before going back with the two mugs and the tea pot in her hands. Maggie is sitting on the sofa with her feet up and has already taken a bite from her spinach pizza. Jocelyn pours the warm tea and then joins her, grabbing a piece of her own pizza. They sit silently for a while so Maggie can still her hunger before Jocelyn asks her about her day.

“So, what exactly has my Youtube star been up to today?”

Maggie tells her she wants to make a series about Broadchurch and near communities as holiday destinations and why it's worth coming here. Today, she has been filming different locations in and around the little town to have some landscapes to show off and also interviewed a couple of random people, asking what they like about Broadchurch.

“Maybe I could ask you a couple of questions, too? As someone born and raised here. Someone who has returned here from life in London. I think people would love to hear from you!” Maggie is all excited by her idea and is beaming at the barrister. 

“I don't know… Let me think about it, okay?” she says, knowing Maggie won't stop nagging if she says no. This seems to have allayed her though.  
They talk about the different interviews, the places Maggie wants to visit tomorrow and things going on in the town the entire evening, moving closer and closer together until holding each other. It has gotten quite late when Jocelyn starts to get up and cleans up the mess, bringing dishes into the kitchen and putting them into the sink for cleaning tomorrow. She hates leaving dirty dishes lying around but it doesn't seem sensible to do them today. Coming back into the living room, Maggie is already waiting for her to walk upstairs together. Both get ready for bed and finally lie under the warm blankets, bodies pressed together, when Maggie asks one more question before they drift off to sleep.

“Is everything really okay with you?” It's a question out of genuine concern, Jocelyn knows that but she can't be honest just now. Tomorrow her sight might be better again, who knows.

“Yes, please don't worry. I… just wasn't very lucky today. Let's just go to sleep, I'm rather tired.” 

Maggie nods but her worries aren't gone. Nothing she can do about it now, though. They kiss each other before falling asleep with their arms around each other.


	2. Dizziness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jocelyn's sight hasn't gotten mysteriously better over night. She continues to hide it from Maggie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by a song

The early morning sun has begun to rise and sends soft rays of light through the bedroom windows, waking up one of it's sleeping inhabitants. Jocelyn slowly opens her eyes and looks out into the sky which is turning from dark blue and black to red, orange and blue. The gentle light shines on the woman still peacefully sleeping right next to her and enhances her beautiful silhouette. A silhouette disrupted by a white spot from Jocelyn's point of view. Immediately, she is pulled back into the harsh reality of her life and yesterday's events. Quietly, she pushes the blanket away, gets up and tiptoes to the ensuite bathroom. Having carefully closed the door, she feels for the light switch and turns the lights on, making her squint her eyes for a moment before she gets used to the brightness. She walks over to the big mirror and looks at herself. Parts of herself, depending on how she moves her eyes. The spot doesn't seem to have gotten any worse nor better. So, that's good and bad. She lets out a silent sigh. There is an old woman staring back at her in the mirror and that old woman must be her, from what she can make out. Slightly frustrated, she sits down on the edge of the bathtub to think. Figuring out how to handle this is gonna be hard if she doesn't want to worry Maggie unnecessarily. And that's really the last thing she wants, given that the disease itself isn't news.

While Jocelyn is deep in thought, the other half of this couple is starting to wake up in the other room. Still tired, Maggie opens her eyes and looks directly into the sun. She blinks hastily and turns her face away from the window, glimpsing at the other side of the bed. It's empty. Then she spots light coming from underneath the bathroom door. Jocelyn hasn't made it too far, then. Relieved, she lets her head sink back into the pillow. And she, too, thinks back to yesterday evening and Jocelyn's slightly odd behaviour. Maggie feels that she is hiding something from her that made her upset and a little inattentive. She wonders whatever could've happened while she was out and about. Has it got to do with the new case? Nothing work-related has ever been this unsettling for the outstanding barrister, not to her knowledge at least. Or maybe it's just as Jocelyn said and she simply had an unlucky day… Everybody has these kind of days once in a while, she knows that too well from her days at the paper. It's still weird to talk about the Echo in the past tense for it has been her life for so many years. But her time had come. Before getting too sentimental, the bathroom door opens and out comes Jocelyn in her silk pyjamas. Maggie turns to look at her, stretches out her hand and gestures for her to come to the bed.

“Good morning. Did I wake you?” Jocelyn asks concerned. It's still rather early and Maggie is not as much of an early bird as she is.

“No, the sun did. Come to me, though, please...” Maggie pats on the empty space next to her. Jocelyn hesitates a moment, she would've preferred to make some tea to calm her thoughts, but gives in and sits down on the edge, body turned towards Maggie. She looks at her while she crawls over to her and puts her head on her lap and wraps her arms around her lower body. Jocelyn begins to gently stroke Maggie's frizzy, blonde hair while absent-mindedly staring out of the window and onto the sea. Maggie's warmth feels so comforting to her. She still can't believe she is actually able to share these moments of intimacy with the woman she loved for so many years.  
Maggie can feel the slight tense and stiffness in Jocelyn's body, reassuring her that something is definitely going on. But she doesn't dare ask because she knows it would ruin this sweet moment they're finding themselves in right now. She just hopes Jocelyn can feel her love through her hug. She needs her to know that she is not alone, if not through words then through affection. They sit like this for a while, watching the sun paint the sky and sea. Then, Maggie raises her head and crosses her legs, facing Jocelyn.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” she asks tenderly but firmly while looking directly into Jocelyn's eyes. 

“Yes, I know.” she responds, picking a lint of her pants. “Why are you asking?” She knows why. Apparently she can't hide her worries from Maggie. But then again, Maggie has always been able to see more of her than others ever could.

“You just seem upset about something. And I don't want you to be.” She places a hand on Jocelyn's and softly caresses it with her thumb.

“I told you already, everything is okay. The upcoming trial is just starting to take up some space in my mind.” she lies. Well, not really because it certainly is taking up space but in a different way than she would've liked. Jocelyn doesn't even really understand why she isn't simply telling Maggie about her sight but something is holding her back. She gets up from the bed and asks: “Breakfast?”

Maggie nods and follows Jocelyn out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

Jocelyn sits at the dining table, documents laid out in front of her again that she is trying to decipher the best she can, when Maggie joins her.

“Alright, let me read some things for you before I leave. I know it's straining your eyes and I don't have that many plans for today. Just give me whatever you want read first.” She smiles at the barrister who starts to collect a couple of files and hands them to her.

“I think these should do for now. Thank you.”

“No problem at all.” Maggie says and bends down to kiss Jocelyn on the forehead while placing her hand on her back. Jocelyn raises her arm and quickly strokes Maggie's to give her some love back before she continues to read the words in front of her.   
As soon as Maggie has left the room, she leans back on her chair and takes off her reading glasses. Her eyes are already hurting and she can feel another headache coming, too. Bless Maggie for taking some of the work off her shoulders. Or should she say off her eyes?   
She starts thinking about her previous work in court. Of standing there, building her wall of evidence and holding great speeches that left obvious marks on the jury. Of seeing all the information and notes she needed in front of her inner eye thanks to her great photographic memory. Her photographic memory. She stops shortly. It won't be of great use anymore if she can't see. It has always been one of her greatest strengths and now that's leaving her too along with her vision. How is she supposed to cope in court? Sudden fear spreads in her stomach. She has never been afraid of her work, or of going into court, but right now it makes her feel sick to just think about it. Her breathing gets faster.   
No. She can't let it get to her. She has to get this under control and starts to concentrate on slowly breathing in and out to calm herself. Once she is feeling better, she takes up her glasses again and continues reading the documents. But this touch of fear will not be gone for good.

After a while, the steps make some squeaking noises, announcing Maggie's return from her recording session. She walks into the dining area to see Jocelyn bend over her documents, eyes squinting down at the words. She places the files she read on the pile.

“You should take a break, petal. Let's have some lunch and then I'll leave you to it and head out to shoot some things. Petal?” 

Startled, Jocelyn looks up as if she didn't notice Maggie coming in until she started speaking. “Oh, yes, yes. You're right, I could use a break.” She lets out a sigh and closes the file. Her entire head hurts like hell. Standing up, she suddenly gets a little dizzy, looses her balance and stumbles back. She gets hold of her chair before taking a fall.

“Jocelyn!” Maggie exclaims and almost jumps across the table in shock. She puts her hands around Jocelyn's arms to steady her. Her expression is terribly worried.

“I… I think I didn't drink enough water this morning. Made me feel a bit dizzy, but I'm okay.” she says, regaining what's left of her sight and getting stable again. She turns around to look at her girlfriend. “Would you let me get some?” A small smile, that takes her a lot to make, forms on her lips.

“Of course! But I'm coming with you, just in case.” Maggie replies certain, letting the other woman pass her before following right behind her.  
Jocelyn partly feels her way to the kitchen, in case she looses her balance again, but all goes well and she safely arrives at the sink. She opens the cupboard, grabs a glass and fills it with water. She then turns around to lean against the counter and looks at Maggie while drinking. Maggie is standing opposite of her, arms crossed and a serious face.

“I really hope you not drinking enough is the only thing going on here, Joce. I do not want you to start compartmentalising with me again and by that keeping important things from me.”

“I am not and I won't, I promise. - Can I just get one more thing to make me feel better and then we drop this?” Jocelyn asks and puts the glass aside, her eyebrows raised ever so slightly.

“And what would that be?” Maggie wants to know.

Jocelyn closes the space between them, puts her hands on Maggie's cheeks and presses her lips onto hers for a deep kiss. Maggie immediately relaxes, closes her eyes and uncrosses her arms to wrap one of them around the barrister's slender body and bring the other one up to her head. Her hand grips the dark-blonde hair while her tongue slips inside Jocelyn's mouth. She presses her body against Jocelyn's and for a moment, nothing in the world could come between them.  
Then, Jocelyn slowly pulls away, smiles at Maggie and says: “Oh, I love you.” in a very arousing way before leaving the kitchen, leaving a startled Maggie. She has to pull herself together and not give in to those thoughts that just entered her brain. She shakes herself and joins Jocelyn in the dining room again. 

“Well, as I take it, you must be doing better already which signals me that it is safe to leave and do my job.” she says, picking up her bag that has been resting on one of the chairs.

“Yes, it is. I hope you'll get the material you need. Have a good day.” Jocelyn replies, a smug smile on her face because she knows exactly how she made Maggie feel back in the kitchen. She can't deny, she felt a tingle, too. And even though she was trying to cover up her own bad condition, she meant every bit of it.

“Thank you and you, too. And take care of yourself while I'm gone.” Maggie goes around the table, plants a kiss on the other woman's head and then leaves through the front door.   
Jocelyn waits for the noise of the car to fade away before she leans against the back of her chair once again.

“' I do not want you to start compartmentalising with me again.'”

This sentence starts playing in her head over and over again. Maggie is right. The compartments in her head have never been gone, but Maggie's has always been open ever since they started their relationship, so every information also went into hers. They talk about everything and they know everything about one another. But the compartment has started closing itself since yesterday morning against Jocelyn's actual will. Is she falling back into old patterns?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it. the next chapter will be up asap!   
> and once again, please bear with my non-native english speaking self :)


	3. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie is gone for the night and things start to really take a turn for Jocelyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Anxiety

The day goes by with Jocelyn crouched over various documents for the trial which is coming closer and closer. At around five o'clock she finally looks up and at her watch, deciding it is time to stop and give her pounding head and tired eyes a rest. She gets up, leaving the table as is, and raises her arms up into the air to stretch her back. That feels so good. If only you could stretch your brain…  
After her little stretching session, she walks into the kitchen to take a look at the fridge and its contents. It's half empty, they haven't gotten round to their weekly shopping trip yet. Jocelyn tries to see if she has everything she needs for sandwiches, only to realise that there's neither butter nor enough cheese left. A sigh escapes her mouth. That means she must take a walk down to the supermarket, since she can't drive anymore. Bollocks. Although walking a little might clear her head and some fresh air is never a bad idea. So she grabs her father's old Barbour coat, her bag and an additional tote bag and leaves the house.   
The sun warms up Jocelyn's face while walking down the cliff path and the crashing sound of the waves is like music to her ears. She stops for a moment and lets her eyes wander across the scenery, her breathing getting slower and relaxed. This is exactly why she came back to Broadchurch. The sea has always had an extremely calming effect on her and it doesn't fail to do its wonder today. But she needs to get on, there's still quite a bit of a walk ahead.

When arriving at the supermarket, Jocelyn gets herself a shopping cart, puts her bag inside and enters the location.   
Butter and cheese, maybe some stuff for a salad. That's all she's here for so she makes her way to the vegetables. Standing in front of the cucumbers, she has a hard time figuring out their price because for some reason the numbers appear blurry. Lucky for her, an employee happens to pass her that very instant.

“Excuse me, could you tell me how much the cucumbers are?”

“It's right here.” the young man replies and points to the little sign above the box.

“Would you mind telling me anyway?” Jocelyn says, not even bothering to look at where he's pointing his finger. If she could read the sign properly, why would she need to ask? 

“49 pennies each.” he reads, slightly annoyed, and turns around to do whatever else seems more important.

“Thanks.” Jocelyn mutters and puts the cucumber in her hand into the cart which she forcefully brings back into motion again. There was really no need of that guy to react so irritated to her simple request. It's not her fault her sight is failing, is it?   
She carefully manoeuvres her cart through the aisles and people, making a couple of stops to throw some things in, until she reaches the wine. Some red wine won't hurt and she's certainly deserved it after all that stress. She walks along the shelves and comes to a halt in front of her favourite brand. She closes her hand around the front bottle, lifts it up and before she knows it, accidentally takes another one with her that drops onto the floor with a loud clank and bursts into pieces, spilling red wine all over the floor. Jocelyn freezes for a second before realising what just happened and then looks at her shoes and pants, covered in red sprinkles. Oh, damn it. She must have brushed against the other bottle without seeing it. This is so embarrassing for her. She starts to breath faster again and decides to firstly put her own bottle into the safety of her shopping cart. Then, she fumbles for a package of tissues in her bag in order to clean up her mess without bothering anyone. She's stressed. Situations like the current one are so very unpleasant and she is never able to deal with them all too well. Sunken in thoughts and frantic wiping, suddenly a pair of legs appear on the side of her vision. Jocelyn looks up and can recognise the young chap from before staring down at her with a kitchen roll in his hand. Why does it have to be him? They already had one unpleasant encounter, she really could've done without a second one.

“Here, let me do that for you. Won't get far with a few tissues. Also, would be better if I cut myself in the glass and not you, anyway.” he says while kneeling down next to Jocelyn.  
“Might get me out of work if I cut deep enough...” he whispers to himself as he starts cleaning up, just loud enough for Jocelyn to hear as she gets back on her feet. She looks at him and his workplace and can in fact understand why. She wouldn't want to be cleaning up other clumsy people's mess either. 

“Thank you. Again.” she manages to get out under fast breaths before hurrying away with her cart to get out of here. She arrives at the check-out, throws her groceries onto the line and can't wait to get out into the fresh air and just breathe. Her eyes look troubled and she's fidgety. Finally, it's her turn and she rushes forward to get her things and pay. But the next disaster waits just around the corner. While opening her purse, a ton of her coins start to take a life on their own and roll around the counter and onto the floor. 

“Shit!” she quietly exclaims, bending down to hastily pick up the money only to end up having trouble seeing the exact spots they landed in. Her heart picks up a faster beat while she tries to remain as calm as possible on the outside. The woman waiting behind her in line comes up to her and helps picking up the rest of the fallen coins.

“Thank you.” Jocelyn says ashamed. Yet again, somebody had to help her with the simplest task. 

“No problem at all, happens to all of us.” the woman replies, smiling at her before returning to her shopping cart. Jocelyn forces herself to smile back at least a little. The brunette woman is right but if it happens to all of us, then why can't Jocelyn remember ever seeing someone drop the entirety of their money on the supermarket floor? Thankfully, the cashier has sorted the remaining coins on the counter into a pile she can use for payment and a pile she can shove back into her purse.

“That leaves 5 pounds then, it wasn't enough up here, I'm afraid.” the cashier says. 

Jocelyn hands her the right bill before almost running out of the store with her bags, just leaving the cart at the exit not bothering to properly put it away.   
As soon as the supermarket is out of sight, she drops the bags and sits down on a small stone wall. Her heart is racing, her chest is moving up and down rapidly. She grips the edge of the wall and leans slightly forward. She closes her eyes and tries to focus on getting her breathing under control. In. And Out. Repeat. In. And Out. Another round. Jocelyn sits there for a while, tense and seemingly not getting much better. She decides that she needs to get home, a familiar surrounding. She takes one last deep breath, pushes herself up and picks up her two bags from the floor. Eyes straight ahead and breathing conciously, she starts making her way back to the house.

Jocelyn arrives home in less time than she normally would have, sweaty and still heavily breathing, her heart still pounding fast, although the fast walking might contribute to that as well. She isn't the youngest anymore, anyway. She fumbles for her keys, it takes her a few tries to stick it into the keyhole, opens the door and lets everything fall from her hands. She searches for support from the nearby dresser to catch her breath. While looking down at the surface, she notices her phone lying there. She didn't even realise she had forgotten it. Maggie. Her car wasn't in the driveway. Hopefully she'll be back soon. Just her presence will offer the barrister some comfort. She grabs the phone and turns it on to see if Maggie has texted her when she will be back.   
Two missed calls and a text message from Maggie, not too long ago.  
Jocelyn taps on the message.

“You didn't pick up, so I assume you're still absorbed in your work and therefore, this text must do for now. I met Lil. She asked if I wanted to go for a drink and catch up since we haven't seen each other in quite a while. I agreed but that means I'll get myself a room up here, as you know I'm not too keen on driving at night. I hope that's okay with you. Please text or call me if you'd prefer me to come back. Do NOT hesitate to do so, okay?   
I love you xx”

Lil? Lil. Lil invited her for a drink. Jocelyn's breathing gets faster again. Lil. Her girlfriend's former girlfriend who she broke up with pretty much because of her. And they're going out. Maggie is not coming back tonight. Her thoughts start to spiral. Maggie needs time off, doesn't she? She's overwhelmed with Jocelyn and her impossible self. That must be it. She's temporarily driven her out of the house because she needed a break. A break spent with Lil. Oh God. She can't compete with that woman. Lil is someone like Maggie, out to the world, bold and daring, smart. Not like this old barrister who is only just learning to love and fully accept herself. They fit so well together. She'd understand if Maggie would drop her for Lil. Jocelyn sees them before her eyes, sitting in a pub, sharing laughs and telling each other stories. And suddenly she feels her eyes filling with tears, her heart aching and rather loud sobs coming out of her. She slowly stumbles back until she can feel the stairs' handrail and collapses on the bottom steps, just like the night of the car accident. Only this time she's not silent, no, she's crying. Sobbing. Her face in her hands, she tries wiping away the flowing tears but they just keep coming. Her chest is rising and falling without rhythm. Her entire body is trembling. The world is just too much for her to take right now. So she sits there, on the steps, and cries salty tears that wet the stairs and her clothes. She feels alone. Lonely. How could Maggie love her? How could anyone love her? She is a mess who can't take care of people as much as she tries. She can never give Maggie back what she has given her. Maggie would be better off without her. With Lil. Jocelyn lets out a big sob. She properly opens her eyes for a moment and the red wine sprinkles on her lower body parts come into vision. How great. Now anger is getting mixed up in her already terrible emotional state, too. She ruggedly removes her shoes and eventually pulls herself up from the steps. It takes a lot of strength but she manages and then drags herself up the stairs. All she wants to do is lay in bed, close her eyes and forget her entire existence. With a lot of effort she reaches the bed, lets herself fall onto it and slowly removes her coat and scarf. She is still crying, there is already a small wet area visible on the sheets. She pulls herself further onto the bed and the blanket over her still shaking body. The other side is empty. The tears start getting more again. Her hand finds its way to Maggie's pillow and she draws it close to her face. It smells like her. Kind of citrussy, a hint of sea air. Jocelyn breathes in deeply and sobs onto the pillow while clutching it tight. Maybe this is all she has left of Maggie. 

Her crying gets quieter and the sobs rarer, her breathing steadying while she drifts off to sleep, the pillow still in her arm. Only the setting sun kissing her good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thanks for reading, i hope you don't hate me for what i'm having her live through. the next chapter might take a little longer, as i'm also having some wifi issues.


	4. Raising Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie returns to a changed Jocelyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Anxiety

It's still dark outside when Jocelyn opens her eyes. A bit dazed, she turns her head to look at the time on her alarm clock. She can make out a three in the first half of the green shining numbers and turns her head back to the other side. No other movement is coming from her body, there's no need to wake up her limbs at this time. She notices her hand clinging onto something. It's Maggie's pillow. But no Maggie next to her. Her memory comes back and the image of a smiling Maggie together with a happy Lil appears in her mind. Her heart is immediately going back to faster beats again and she pulls the pillow close, pressing it against her chest, nose buried into the soft material. She breathes in Maggie's fresh scent to comfort herself. To her own surprise, it works and she feels her eyelids becoming heavy again. She blinks a couple of times before eventually falling back to sleep.

The next time she awakes, the rising sun is illuminating the bedroom. Jocelyn takes a second look at the time. She slept another three hours, approximately. She turns to lie on her back and stares at the ceiling, not letting go of Maggie's pillow which is on her stomach now, wrapped in her arms. She has never had an anxiety attack like that before. Sure, she was anxious plenty of times before the announcements of verdicts but this is so different and so much worse. And something has taken hold of her. Like a parasite, you could say. These thoughts she had last evening? Even if they're not exactly present, they are there, stuck to the back of her brain. She feels as if she has dried out. As if the tears that left her body took all her feelings with them, like the river does with a thrown-in stick. She feels better but at the same time not at all. Cold and… apathetic. Maybe she's mentally preparing for the worst for when Maggie returns and started rebuilding her wall of protection around her heart. But perhaps it's for the best, just see where the missing shield got her. It made her a mess.  
Determined, she puts the pillow on her stomach back into it's designed place before leaving the bed to take a shower. The hot water runs down her slim body and she takes a couple of deep breaths. It feels so good. It doesn't make the coldness go away, though.  
After her shower, she puts on some jeans and a burgundy turtleneck and fixes herself a sandwich with the groceries she dropped in the hall last night. She eats it while absent-mindedly looking out of the window.  
When she's done doing the dishes, she enters the to a work space converted dining room and examines the things lying around. She doesn't want to work here. She needs privacy. A room Maggie won't barge in and out of. It has never disturbed her before but suddenly there's an annoyance coming with the thought of it. So she starts collecting as much of the documents as she can and brings them to the small guest room upstairs. She used to stay here while her mother Veronica was still living in the house but now it's very rarely used. It contains a single bed, a wardrobe, a bookshelf, an armchair and a desk facing a window revealing the sea. Jocelyn drops the stuff clenched tight in her arms on the bed and herself along with it. As she looks around the room in slight melancholia, her eyes start to get watery and a single tear rolls down her cheek. She doesn't stop it, as more silent tears are to follow. Jocelyn doesn't cry loudly or even changes her expression, they are just flowing out of her eyes. She misses her mother. She knew Veronica has always loved her, even when she couldn't articulate it anymore. What she would give to cradle up in her arms right now and just be held in an embrace of maternal love.  
A few seconds pass with Jocelyn just sitting on the edge of the bed before she wipes away the rest of the tears and gets to her feet again. She goes to get the rest of the documents she couldn't carry before and then sits down at the desk to get back to work. And out of her head.

The front door closes and a key drops on the dresser in the entrance hall. It's about 11 in the morning when Maggie returns from her night away. In typical Maggie manner, she drops her handbag into a corner and enters the empty living room looking for her girlfriend. She crosses the room to find an also empty dining room. Not just Jocelyn is missing from it but also her documents. A little surprised by this unusual sight, Maggie makes her way into the just as deserted kitchen and throws a look into the winter garden. Again, no Jocelyn. She decides to walk upstairs and opens the door to the bedroom. It's empty too, the bed neatly made, as always. She knocks on the bathroom door to see if maybe Jocelyn is inside but she doesn't get an answer. Maggie leaves the bedroom and finds herself in front of the door to the little guest room that they pretty much never use and slowly opens the door.  
Jocelyn sits at the desk, her back facing Maggie who stands in the door frame. She pretends she didn't hear her. 

“Hello! Are you hiding from me?” Maggie says, a bit too cheerful for Jocelyn.

“No.” she replies without looking up. She stopped reading and is just staring blindly (ha!) at the page. She doesn't dare to look at Maggie. She's afraid to do so. She can't say what would happen. Her heart aches again.

“Are you not going to greet me, darling?” she says in a disappointed tone while entering the room and closing the space between them until she stands behind Jocelyn.

“Sorry, I was just somewhere else, mentally.” Jocelyn gestures at the paper in front of her and keeps avoiding Maggie's eyes as good as she can. She feels bad but can't help it.  
“Hey.” She then finally says, hoping it's going to be enough.

“I was hoping for a bit more enthusiasm after being gone for a night.” Maggie answers and sits down on the nearby bed. She doesn't sound mad, there's just still a bit of disappointment swinging along with the sentence.  
Don't remind me, thinks Jocelyn, concentrating hard not to break down and keeping her breathing normal.

“How was it?” she manages to ask. Politeness.

“Quite fun! Got some great shots and interviews for the channel. I met Lil on the streets, she recognised me. We talked a lot. It was a good catch-up.” Maggie tries to sum up the evening. She knows Jocelyn isn't particularly fond of Lil so she keeps it short. She closely watches Jocelyn who nods with an absent expression on her face. She guesses that she is just very preoccupied with the case and trial.  
“Well, I don't want to keep you from doing important reading. We can talk later, too.” Maggie stands up again and walks up to Jocelyn. She places her hands on Jocelyn's shoulders and bends down to plant a tender kiss on the top of her head. Jocelyn barely moves. Maggie raises her head again and lingers on for a moment, waiting for her to give her some love back. Jocelyn realises and quickly puts her right hand on Maggie's left, stroking it for a moment. She's trying hard not to let the tears win which is only getting harder the longer they touch. Luckily, Maggie removes her hands and walks back to the door. She turns around one more time.

“I'll start making some lunch, if that's alright?” she asks.

Jocelyn turns her head a little, revealing her side profile to Maggie and nods. 

“Yes, thank you.” she says with a slightly strained voice. She sees Maggie on the side of her field of vision without needing to look directly at her.

“Okay.” Maggie responds softly, taking one last look at the love of her life before closing the door. She doesn't move on immediately. She lets out a deep breath, her face looks worried. What in God's name is going on? Jocelyn seemed so cold to her. She knows how the barrister can be sometimes, fractious and terribly introverted, but this is a new high (or low?) even for her. She's told Maggie to go away plenty of times before but the words never felt as cold as the conversation they just had. She barely even looked at her! She can feel her chest tighten at the thought of Jocelyn hiding some serious problems from her. Something that is affecting her so much that she can't even look at Maggie. It breaks her heart. She sighs and starts walking down the stairs, to the kitchen. Lunch. That's what she's going to focus on now.

As soon as the door has closed, Jocelyn falls back in her chair and puts her right hand over her mouth to muffle whatever sound might escape. The tears start to fall down, her eyes are red. Her lungs are pushing her chest up and down in a fast, unrhythmical way. Her other hand presses against the spot behind which her heart is pounding. She thought she had dried out but Maggie's presence brought it all back. She looks at the ceiling, trying to blink the salty tear drops away.  
We talked a lot, Maggie said. It was a good catch-up, she added. Jocelyn bets they talked about her. What a burden she can be a lot of the time. How much easier it was when they, Maggie and Lil, were together. But now she's stuck with an old, anxious barrister.  
Jocelyn tries to brush these thoughts away the moment they enter her brain but it's hard so she just tries not to wet the document still opened on the desk. She remains in this leaned back, hand over her heart position for a while.

“Lunch is ready!” Maggie shouts from the kitchen as she sits down two plates filled with salmon, potatoes and greens she found in the freezer. Two cups of tea are already placed on the table as well. She lets out a sigh while sitting down to wait for Jocelyn to join her. She wonders if she can get anything out of her or if she should let it rest for now. She is just so worried. They had been so happy lately, until a couple of days ago. What is happening?

Jocelyn hears Maggie but waits a moment before getting up. She needs to prepare herself, starting by checking herself in the little mirror set up on the bedside table. She rubs her eyes and wipes away any reminders of the tears on her cheeks. Won't get much better than this, she thinks while looking at herself. She stands up, walks to the door and lets her hand rest on the door knob for a few seconds, taking a few last breaths before facing the other side of it. Before facing Maggie. She will have to look at her now. With determination to get through this, she flings the door open and steps out of the small room and down the stairs. She hesitatingly enters the kitchen which has the smell of fish hanging in it. Maggie has already sat down at the little table in here and is looking at her. She smiles warmly. Jocelyn feels the pain in her heart come back like somebody shot her as she gives her best to give it back. She pulls the chair away from the table and sits down, eyes directed at the food in front of her. She doesn't feel hungry. She should eat but she doesn't feel like it at all. She picks up the fork and starts pecking at the food before taking a very small bite from the salmon. She can feel Maggie's gaze.

“So… how's it going?” Maggie wants to know, if just in order to make conversation, make some noise. The silence is just making her worries worse and her own anxiety more real.

“It's fine.” is all Jocelyn can get out. She doesn't want to talk about the trial or how she's getting on. She would like to avoid any conversation concerning her and things that have to do with her.  
Maggie nods shortly before shoving a loaded fork into her mouth. She refrained to eat breakfast this morning to get home faster and is starving. She notices the opposite in Jocelyn. She has barely touched the food yet, she's only moving her fork around, pushing the greens from one side to the other, as if she was introducing them to the fish and potatoes.

“Are you?” She decides to ask, then.

“What?” Jocelyn looks up. But down again just as fast.

“Fine, I mean. How are you doing? Was everything alright last night?”

“Yeah, of course. Always.” she says, her voice dropping. Nothing's fine. 

“Are you sure? You're barely eating, petal.” Maggie looks at Jocelyn's still almost untouched plate and back into her grey-blue eyes. Just tell me what's on your mind! She screams internally. But she knows she can't make her, can't force her. She still has hope Jocelyn will come to her by her own will.

“I'm just not very hungry today. The… trial has taken over my thoughts. I'm sorry.” Jocelyn says and places the fork next to her plate in order to drink something. Her mouth is dry and the headache present. She forgot to drink anything since she got up. The tea feels so good as it's running down her throat.

Maggie continues to watch her every move while emptying her own plate. Jocelyn looks tired. The circles under eyes are showing more than usually. She feels so helpless she could cry. She feels like Jocelyn is shutting herself away again. Away from her. She thought they'd finally gotten past this, that Jocelyn would trust her with anything. Maggie tended to be the first one to know about her troubles and else since they've known each other as friends, with the necessary boundaries, of course. And now it feels like they're going back. Back to Maggie being a compartment in her brilliant brain?

“I think I… should get back to it.” Jocelyn interrupts Maggie's thoughts and moves the chair back.

“Yeah, alright… Joce-” she starts but Jocelyn has already disappeared, leaving her alone in the kitchen with the dirty dishes. Maggie lets out another sigh and picks up Jocelyn's full plate, except for a small missing part from the salmon. She puts some saran wrap over it and places it in the fridge. She can feel the emotions dwelling up inside her again and feels her pockets for her e-cigarette. It's not in there so she goes to get her bag from the hall. Finally having found it, she opens the sliding windows and steps out into the fresh air and takes a puff. A light breeze is blowing through her open hair and she tries to relax. She doesn't know what to do. She so very much wants to help Jocelyn, care for her and get her through whatever is troubling her. But she knows she can't force herself on her. It might only make the situation worse because Jocelyn may feel too pressured. She knows her. Lost in thought, Maggie sits down on the steps leading to the path to the gate.

Maggie has already gone to bed when Jocelyn enters the bedroom. It's late. She's waited until there was no more noise coming from Maggie to avoid having to speak to her. On tiptoes, she makes her way to the bed, pulls out her pyjamas and quickly changes into them. Carefully, she slides underneath the blanket and looks at Maggie peacefully sleeping in the moonlight. She wants to touch her, caress her cheek, but turns away instead as the image of Lil pops up in her inner eye again. She closes her eyes and forces it away. She just wants to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! luckily, i was struck by creativity recently and managed to get this done faster than i thought. i'm always a bit anxious if i stay in character with both of them, so criticism in that direction is welcomed if you think they wouldn't act a certain way... :)  
> next chapter will be up asap again.


	5. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie is at the end of her patience and confronts Jocelyn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Anxiety  
> the song this story is inspired by is Talk To Me by Cavetown, i used the lyrics in this chapter. so you can listen to it while reading that part later if you want.

Jocelyn wakes up along with the very first rays of sun streaming through the windows. It's very early and it feels as if she barely even slept. Heavily, she gets herself out of the bed and turns around to tidy her side. She looks at Maggie while smoothening her duvet and pauses for a moment, giving her heart time to hurt. Maggie is quietly snoring, face turned towards the middle of the bed, one hand resting next to her head.  
'She's dreaming of Lil.' a tiny voice inside Jocelyn's mind whispers, making her turn away from this sight. Her eyebrows furrow as she hurries into the bathroom where she quickly washes herself before getting clothes from her wardrobe, trying not to think about anything. She puts them on in silence and makes her way down the stairs to get herself a cup of tea. Her stomach feels empty but she feels absolutely no desire to eat.  
With the hot mug she walks back upstairs and into the guest room, locking the door behind her. Get to work and ignore the thoughts that are nagging in the back of her brain is all Jocelyn wants. But she feels tired, drained and lacks motivation to do anything. She decides to open the document still lying in the middle of the desk, begins reading but zones out not even two sentences in. Nothing is staying in her brain, it all just flies in and out. She takes a sip from the still steaming tea and nearly burns her mouth. For God's sake.  
On top of one of the piles of documents lies the tablet used for recordings. She looks at it while tapping her finger on the edge of the wooden desk. Let's give it a try. She reaches out her hand and brings the tablet onto her lap along with her headphones. She puts them on and turns on the screen. It immediately opens the last recorded files. Jocelyn's finger hovers over the play button. Can she do this? Without her realising, her finger sinks down on the screen, starting the audio file. Maggie's voice sounds through the headphones, sending a sudden sharp pain through Jocelyn's heart. She almost throws the headphones away. She can, in fact, not do this. It hurts too much. The voice that is supposed to bring her comfort, as it always has, is now doing the exact opposite.  
This is terrible. It's all terrible. She is terrible. Why is this happening? There is no reason! she wants to scream at herself as her hands start shaking slightly. She gets up and walks over to the bed and lies down on her side, legs pulled up, one hand under her head. And there she stays. Just breathing, hoping the mattress will swallow her impossible, unlovable, anxious, horrible self.

At least two hours go by until Maggie opens her eyes as well. She blindly reaches out to Jocelyn's side but her hand doesn't encounter any resistance, telling her that Jocelyn has gotten up before her. Not that that's unusual but given their situation right now, it saddens Maggie. And she feels like Jocelyn is actively avoiding her. They didn't even go to bed together. Although Maggie could easily tell when the other woman has been lying next to her. There was a lot more movement coming from Jocelyn than normally. She seemed restless and kept turning from one side to the other, which woke Maggie up. She had some trouble falling asleep again at first but somehow managed. Now, she almost regrets not taking the chance to speak to her girlfriend. Who cares if it would have been the middle of the night? But she didn't do it.  
Maggie gets up, takes some clothes from her wardrobe and takes a quick shower before heading downstairs to eat some breakfast. There's no sign of Jocelyn having been down here, it all looks just as it did in the evening. No crumbs, nothing. She peeks into the fridge. The lunch from yesterday still sits there, untouched. As do all the other contents. Maggie sighs. She does that a lot recently, she noticed. Anyway, she has to eat and she makes herself some toast with jam. She's munching away, watching the sky change colours and ears pricked up to hear whenever Jocelyn decides to make a move. But there's nothing. Maybe she's taking a walk? As soon as Maggie has finished her breakfast, she checks for missing shoes and coats. Everything is in its place.  
Back up the stairs, then, to the guest room. She stops right in front of it, thinking about her next move. What to say. But she doesn't know. She just needs Jocelyn to speak to HER. She puts her hand on the door knob and turns it. It's locked. Since when does Jocelyn lock the door? Maggie tries again but nothing happens. She moves her hand from the knob onto the wood and puts her ear on it, too. There is absolutely no sound coming from the inside. It worries her. Hopefully, nothing has happened. Her heart starts to pick up some pace. Please, let everything be alright, she thinks.

“Jocelyn?” she asks, soft and quiet, but loud enough so you can hear it on the other side. No answer. She tries again.

“Jocelyn? Please...” 

“Go away.” 

Maggie lets out a relieved breath. She speaks. She's okay. It didn't sound angry, it wasn't very loud… it sounded almost sad. She's told her to go away again. Her heart starts to break a little, her eyes are watery.

“Joce… Are you okay? Why is this door locked?” She's trying her best to be patient but Jocelyn is really testing her. At least her voice somehow remains calm and soft.

“I'm _fine_. Just… leave me alone.”

Maggie doesn't respond immediately. She thinks. Should she give her one last chance and do as she's told? Or insist on talking now? Everything feels like the wrong choice.

“Alright… I love you...” She has made her decision and waits for an answer. There is none. Maybe she didn't hear me, Maggie tries to convince herself. Her shoulders sink down and she slowly walks away from the door.  
At the top of the stairs, she decides to drive down to the supermarket to get some groceries and fresh air. If she stays here, all she's going to do is worry.

Jocelyn is still curled up on the small bed when she hears the car engines start and then fade away into the distance. There's a wet spot right next to her face on the pillow her head is resting on. She has absolutely no intentions to move any time soon. Her body feels heavy and her muscles weak.  
She couldn't even say 'I love you' back. She told Maggie to 'go away' once again. Why do living and loving have to be so hard? She had managed quite well before Maggie. Maybe she really isn't made for love. For a (long-term) partner. For caring for another human being. A human being as precious as Maggie Radcliffe who deserves nothing but love that she, Jocelyn, can't give to her. She closes her eyes and quietly sobs into the pillow until sleep gets a hold of her again.

She wakes up to the sound of knuckles hitting against wood. Maggie is knocking on the door and then tries to open it, but it's still locked from the inside.

“Jocelyn, come eat lunch with me. Please?” Maggie's voice sounds through the barrier between them.

“I'm not hungry. Please leave.” Jocelyn says determinate, ignoring the slight complaint from her belly. She has no appetite.

Maggie suspected this answer and has brought up the leftover food from yesterday with her. All warmed up of course.

“Okay. I will leave you a plate in front of the door. Although I do wish you would sit with me, petal.” She carefully places the plate and cutlery on the floor before staring at the dark brown wooden door in front of her, hoping, begging for it to swing open. But nothing happens.

“I'm busy. Thank you.” 

That's all that happens. An answer as short as can be. Maggie is really starting to lose her patience now. But she breathes in and out a couple of times to maintain calm and to not let the tears win again. Then she goes back downstairs to have her own lunch. Alone.  
Jocelyn lied to Maggie again. She isn't busy at all (even though she should be). Maggie has left her food outside so she knew Jocelyn wouldn't come to eat with her. Now she feels even worse than before. Guilty and ashamed.

After finishing her lunch, Maggie checks on the plate for Jocelyn. With disappointment, she has to accept the fact that it's still standing on the floor untouched. Jocelyn has never been one to eat too much but nothing at all is very strange and a bad sign. The sign that shows Maggie she finally needs to act. Who knows how much she ate while she was gone for the night? She can't stand this situation anymore. Not knowing what's going on. Constantly worrying. She needs truth and honesty.

“You haven't eaten.” she states, loud enough for Jocelyn to hear.

“I'm not hungry.” it sounds from the inside in a kind of grumpy and annoyed tone.

“You _need_ to _eat_ , Jocelyn. If not for me, for you. For your body. Your health. - Please let me in.” Maggie wraps her hand around the doorknob and rocks it in vain.  
The sound forces Jocelyn to get up, walk over to the door and place her own hand on the knob to make sure it won't open. She rests her other hand on the flat wood along with her head, eyes closed.  
Maggie feels the sudden resistance and stops moving the door knob. She can't do this anymore.

“You need to stop shutting me out! I can help you but you've got to let me in. You've gotta tell me what's wrong. Please, Jocelyn! Do you know how much it hurts me to see you raising up that wall around you again? I LOVE you, for God's sake!” she cries and finally the tears break loose. 

Jocelyn is standing not even 20cm away from her, face clenched and eyelids pressed together, which doesn't stop her own tears. She knows how shitty she treated Maggie these past days.

“I can't...” she almost whispers. It means so much more than just not being able to open the door. She doesn't even really understand herself, how should she explain it to someone else? She presses her right hand against her tightening chest.

“I'm not blaming you for your actions, Joce. I know you. But a relationship is made of two people and can only work if they talk to one another. So… please, just… bloody talk to me...” Maggie sobs silently on her side. Why does it have to be so hard? She imagines Jocelyn opening the door and falling into her arms, letting her in on her thoughts, but as always, reality is different. The door stays shut. Silence follows.

“Fine.” Maggie ends the conversation. Sad and heartbroken about Jocelyn's treatment she wanders off into the bedroom and throws herself onto the bed. She thinks about ways to get through to her girlfriend because, obviously, her nearly screaming out of despair isn't doing the trick. But she can't come up with anything, not right now. She's too churned up inside. So she decides to get some work done and gets back on her feet to get her laptop and camera, luckily both located on a dresser in the same room. Maggie grabs them, comfortably sits down on her side of the bed and starts editing.

Jocelyn has also returned to her spot on the single bed. Only now she's sitting up against the wall, legs wrapped with her arms and her head resting on her knees. Maggie's words are circulating in her mind like a merry-go-round. And that's really all that's happening. With the occasional 'She's right…' thought thrown in from Jocelyn's side and inconsistent crying. 

Some time, maybe a couple of hours, goes by and suddenly, Maggie looks up from her screen, struck by an idea. They are both great admirers of poetry, there are a lot of books about it lying around the house. And music is also a form of poetry, especially when you take away the actual music. She remembers this song she heard some time ago. She pulls up YouTube on her laptop and searches for it to make sure she remembers it correctly. And it feels so right. A few tears roll down her cheeks while she listens. Maybe it's not a 100 percent fitting to their situation but it's very, very close. Energised, she rises from the bed to go search for some paper and a pen. She finds both items in a drawer and begins to write the entire lyrics down. Afterwards she stares at the words, hoping with her entire being that maybe this will help. That poetry can give her access to the woman she loves. She lifts the sheet of paper up to her mouth and places a soft kiss on it. Then, she folds it in the middle and steps out of the bedroom and finds herself in front of that closed door again. She's hesitant, wondering if this will work but what has she to lose? So she bends down and slides the paper through the gap under the door. She can feel her heart beating as she re-enters the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Maggie may not be very religious, but she is praying for Jocelyn to come to her senses.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jocelyn notices something white and flat gliding in on the floor. And then quiet footsteps walking away. She looks at the folded piece of paper but doesn't dare to pick it up. She doesn't want to read Maggie's words. She has said everything there is to say to Jocelyn earlier. There's no point in moving just to have her beg her to talk to her again in written form. She just turns her head away and looks outside, where the sun is sinking lower and lower with every passing minute. Jocelyn watches the outside world getting darker, a light blue turn into orange and red and slowly, a dark blue. A sudden urge to step out into the fresh air awakes in her. And she obeys.  
Standing in front of the door that has parted her from life, she lingers on for a second. Breathing. Hopefully, Maggie won't cross her way… Then she notices the paper lying at her feet. She bends down and picks it up, turns it around in her hands without opening it up and decides to cram it into her pocket. Slowly, she opens the door and peeks outside. She can neither hear or see Maggie and carefully starts to move downstairs. Maggie isn't here either and she lets out a relieved sigh on her way to the sliding windows. She lets the cool air hit her as the gap grows big enough for her to leave the house and step into the garden. She breathes in and out. This is good. Her feet automatically carry her to the small steps and she lets herself down on them. It's good to be outside, to leave that room. If only she could leave her thoughts behind like that. She remembers the piece of paper in her pocket and pulls it out. Her finger draws along the edges as she hesitates to fold it open. It's kind of dark already, so she'll have even more trouble reading it… But then she thinks, what damage can it do, she's already broken, and opens it. Something that looks like a poem in Maggie's handwriting appears, though there is no title nor author.  
She sighs before she starts reading, not knowing that Maggie has stepped outside onto the balcony to get some fresh air, too, and is now watching her reading her little letter. Maggie has a small smile on her face, seeing Jocelyn in the garden with the song lyrics and decides to walk down the stairs to look at her from the living room windows, ready to be at her side whenever needed.  
Jocelyn begins to read.

>   
>  You don't have to be a hero to save the world  
>  It doesn't make you a narcissist to love yourself  
>  It feels like nothing is easy it'll never be  
>  That's alright, let it out, talk to me  
>  You don't have to be a prodigy to be unique  
>  You don't have to know what to say or what to think  
>  You don't have to be anybody you can never be  
>  That's alright, let it out, talk to me
> 
> Anxiety, tossing turning in your sleep  
>  Even if you run away you still see them in your dreams  
>  It's so dark tonight, but you'll survive certainly  
>  It's alright, come inside, and talk to me
> 
> We can talk here on the floor  
>  On the phone, if you prefer  
>  I'll be here until you're okay  
>  Let your words release your pain  
>  You and I will share the weight  
>  Growing stronger day by day
> 
> It's so dark outside tonight  
>  Build a fire warm and bright  
>  And the wind it howls and bites  
>  Bite it back with all your might
> 
> Anxiety, tossing turning in your sleep  
>  Even if you run away you still see them in your dreams  
>  It's so dark tonight  
>  It looks nice, fall asleep  
> 

Tears are streaming out of Jocelyn's eyes and her chest is moving rapidly up and down as suddenly, a voice behind her softly sings the last three verses.

''It's alright,  
Come inside  
And talk to me”

Maggie quietly sings, more speaks, on the doorstep to the garden where Jocelyn sits with the letter, her back turned to Maggie. Somehow she managed to appear in the exact second Jocelyn read those last few words; blurry from her tear-filled eyes. Jocelyn wants to get up and run to Maggie, but her body doesn't let her. Her mind finally allows it but now it's the body letting her down. Maggie can see that Jocelyn is unable to move under the weight of emotions that just came crashing down on her and starts making her way towards her. Jocelyn is sobbing, she tries to do it quietly but can't quite manage to do so. Maggie smiles softly, tears filling her eyes as well while approaching the woman she loves more than anyone or anything else in the world. There is nothing she hates more than seeing her love like this; it breaks her own heart into a million tiny pieces, but she knows what a good sign it is for Jocelyn to finally let it all out, everything that she sealed away inside her and her compartments. She sits down besides her and feels for Jocelyn's hand, seeing if she is ready to be touched. Jocelyn wants to pull away at first but doesn't. This is what she wants deep inside. Maggie carefully wraps her left arm around Jocelyn's back, the right hand then finds its way to Jocelyn's back of head and she tenderly pulls her into her own embrace. She presses the woman into her warmth, holding her tight, ready to never let go again. Jocelyn cries into Maggie's shoulder. She feels so weak. All her emotions are overspilling, right onto Maggie's sweater. She can feel the wetness her tears are causing. But she just can't stop crying. Her breathing gets faster and now she uncontrollably sobs. And hates this side of her. Even though she knows that if there is one person she can be this vulnerable with, it's the woman holding her in her arms and softly rocking her at this instant. She also knows that she finally needs to tell Maggie all of her thoughts. No more hiding and lying. She needs certainty; her mind needs it. She can't keep it up anymore and has punished Maggie for way too long. Her heart starts to ache even more. Guilt is spreading in her chest. Guilt of not being honest from the start. For shutting Maggie out and thinking she can cope with this alone. For being so terribly cold and selfish. Again.  
Before she can start to think about what she's going to say to her now, Maggie slowly moves her to look at her while still holding and supporting her.

“Talk to me. Please. Tell me everything, no leaving things out. Not one single detail.”

Maggie looks at Jocelyn with soft, loving eyes and Jocelyn has to swallow hard. Right, the moment of truth. She tries to collect her thoughts, prepare a speech, sort of, in seconds but it just all comes out randomly.

“I...” she begins. How to continue? Her following words are interrupted every now and then by sobs or sniffs.

“I… My sight has… gotten even worse. For a few days now. That's why I was always tired and had headaches all the time. But I… didn't want to burden you with it in the beginning. And then not at all. And then you were gone and met Lilith… Someone who was and, I assume, still is perfect for you; so much more like you than I could ever try to be. I just don't understand… how you can love me this much when there's people like her in the world. How can you love an old, barely open, self-doubting, insecure person like me when it's so different to who you are? You're so full of light and warmth and joy, I feel like I'm holding you back from living a more exciting life… With me going blind, I won't be able to do too much without help. Your life is going so well again but it's just going downhill with me. I don't think I deserve you. You're too good for me. I don't feel I am enough for you, how can you love me?... I just don't see what you see… Maybe you're better off without me...”

A short pause. Jocelyn sighs deeply and wipes away some tears.

“And then the upcoming trial. I have become more anxious than I have ever been. I love my work but without my photographic memory to rely on, I'll be a mess in court. I'll fail miserably. Just like I did with the Latimers and the Joe Miller trial. And I wasn't in such a terrible shape then. I don't think I can do this, Maggie… I used to be brilliant in court and just tended to have a harder time with life outside of it but now even that is being taken from me. I'm taking it from myself… My bloody eyes are taking it from me. They are taking you from me. I'm afraid of not seeing you again. I don't want to miss seeing your face. I'm afraid of losing my memory of you...”

She half groans, half sighs. There it is. All of it, as far as she can tell right now. She feels kind of relieved from releasing the words from her brain but she is also scared of the reaction. She hasn't properly looked at the woman opposing her since she began to speak. Jocelyn raises her head to look at Maggie. It takes her a moment to focus but then she sees silent tears running down Maggie's cheeks, dripping onto her chest. Her eyes are red. She looks heartbroken.  
And Maggie is. Hearing the words that just came out of Jocelyn's mouth made her heart hurt more than it probably ever has before. Not even when she broke up with former lovers. And the usually so articulate woman is left speechless. This is what Jocelyn kept from her? All of this started with her sight suddenly decreasing? She doesn't understand why Jocelyn didn't say a word to her. It would've spared them from all this pain.

“Darling, I… Why didn't you say something? You can always tell me everything. I thought you knew that… You could've told me about your eyes and we would have found a solution right away...” Maggie then says with a strained voice, still holding Jocelyn with one arm and gently stroking her.

“I… couldn't. I don't know why. I regret not telling you, Maggie. I don't know what made me do it.” Jocelyn slightly shakes her head at herself. She simply has no answer to this question.

“That's okay, you did now.” Maggie just replies. No point in trying to find a reason.  
“Thank you for making me understand why this case has been bothering you so much more than usually. I will help you with whatever you need, alright? We can do this. Together. Don't be afraid to ask. Please… I'll read to you as many times and as much as you need. On recordings and in person. You will be brilliant. Don't worry.” she smiles through her, luckily fewer, tears. Jocelyn is giving her a tiny, but genuine smile back.  
Maggie thinks about what else she said and how to reply to that. That most painful part of Jocelyn talking herself down.

“You asked how I can love you… an old barrister… It's quite simple. I just do. I love everything about you, Joce. I mean it. Before we got together, I often thought of myself not worthy enough for you, you know… Thought, that you'd never want to be with someone like me. But here we are. You and me. Not Lil. She's a good person but I never loved her the way I love you. Because you're so special to me, petal. And I will help you with anything. I knew the 'risk' I took on when I kissed you back on the cliff that day. That's what I'm here for. To always be by your side, no matter what… You make my life exciting, Jocelyn. You're not holding me back from anything. You're not keeping me from fully doing what I like because what I like sits right here in front of me. And I love you. I'd give it all up for you.”  
Maggie pulls Jocelyn close to her again as she sees her tears becoming more again. Her hand moves up and down Jocelyn's back as they are hugging.

“I can never take care of you the way you do for me and everyone else, Maggie. I'm just not good at it… at taking care of living things.” Jocelyn murmurs into Maggie's hair.  
Maggie draws back and looks into her eyes.

“Rubbish. You CAN take care of living things! Just look at the million plants in this house! They're all alive and well. And that's because of you; you took care of them all this time. Looked after their needs for water and sunshine so they can grow and live. There are many people unable to keep their plants alive but not you. Because you do care for others.” she pauses for a moment before adding with a little smug smile:  
“You took wonderful care of me since the beginning of this relationship. I can not complain one bit.”

Jocelyn laughs a little by letting out some air out of her nose and a smile forming on her lips. It's true. The plants seem happy with her.

“I mean it, Joce. You can take care of the people around you even if you don't realise. Don't you worry about giving enough love and care back to me. I'm getting exactly as much as I need. As long as you don't let me become a compartment again. No compartments with me, okay? I refuse to be one and have you keep important information or thoughts from me this way…  
We have lost too much time by not being completely honest and open to one another, so you have to tell me when something is wrong. Just as I will.”

Maggie stares at Jocelyn with a certain but love-filled look. Her hands are now holding Jocelyn's as she waits for an answer. Jocelyn looks right back at her. She's not afraid of Maggie's gaze anymore.

“I promise.” she says. “No more secrets… Thank you… for… this.”

Jocelyn swallows and squeezes Maggie's hand a little. She feels so grateful to have this woman love her. Even if she still doesn't feel quite deserving of it. She is so glad to finally have it all off her chest. To know that Maggie loves her. And is just here for her. She feels her heart beat as she looks at Maggie. That wonderful warm feeling that has always followed when she laid eyes on her girlfriend is back. Jocelyn herself may not be quite back on track yet, but she is feeling a lot better already. She lifts her hand and tenderly places it on Maggie's cheek. Maggie is so happy about feeling Jocelyn's hand on her face and leans into it a little with a smile.

“I love you so much, Maggie… I don't know what I would do without you… I truly don't.” Jocelyn says softly. “Thank you for… still sticking around with me.”

“You won't get rid of me anymore, be sure of that. Because I love you so much, too, Jocelyn Knight.” Maggie smiles and then hugs Jocelyn tight, pressing their bodies together. She's missed feeling her so much. Smelling her mild lavender scent.  
Then, Jocelyn breaks up the hug and cups Maggie's face before leaning in to plant a very gentle kiss on her lips. Both women close their eyes for the few seconds their lips finally touch again. 

They stay outside under the clear night sky for a while, holding each other without speaking much, just watching the stars. Enough words have been said tonight, they can sort out the rest tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this longer chapter (/end?).  
> i originally thought of this as the ending but i might add a short chapter, just to give them some more soft moments and happiness after all this ordeal. it would be a direct continuation, but i have to think about it a bit.  
> i hope you enjoyed my little idea :)


	6. A new dawn, a new day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After letting Maggie in on her troubling thoughts, Jocelyn starts into the new day feeling better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short, soft ending to this anxiety-filled story because they deserve it ♥

It has gotten quite late as well as cool outside under the night sky. Even though being in Maggie's arms has kept her warm for a long time, Jocelyn is beginning to shiver a little. She lets out a yawn.

„Someone's getting tired. And cold, too, I presume. Do you want to go in, love?“ Maggie says while rubbing her girlfriends arms to keep her warm. Jocelyn always got cold fast and she's surprised they sat out here for so long without her needing a coat or blanket.

“Yes, that's a good idea. I'm rather tired. Although I enjoyed being here with you and watching the stars. Thank you. I think it kept me calm.” 

Jocelyn winds out of Maggie's grip, gets to her feet and turns around at Maggie. She watches her stand up and lets Maggie's arm slip between her own and her body for support. Together, they walk inside and up the stairs to the bedroom. Maggie is visibly happy about having Jocelyn back and getting ready for bed at the same time.  
Finally under the duvets, their bodies are turned towards each other and their eyes are meeting.

“Thank you for… seeing me and… pulling me out of this hole so fast. I don't know how you do it, Maggie. I'm so grateful for you.” Jocelyn slowly reaches out her hand to Maggie's face lets her fingers run gently along her cheek and strong jawline. So gently, as if she's almost afraid of the touch like Maggie's face would break under the pressure like a delicate piece of porcelain.

“You're not as good at hiding your inner turmoil to me as you think you are.” Maggie replies with a little smile on her lips. “I'm glad you took my hand and let me help you at last. I know it can be hard. But I'm here. I always will be.”

Maggie takes the hand that caresses her skin into her own and entwines their fingers. A tear escapes Jocelyn's eye and makes its way down to the pillow. Maggie moves her head closer towards Jocelyn's and lovingly kisses it away. She then proceeds to give her a kiss on the tip of her nose and wraps one arm around her, staying close to her. They look deep into each other's eyes, just enjoying their company and warmth. After a little while, Jocelyn turns around to become the little spoon and be held. Maggie senses Jocelyn slowly drifting away into the land of dreams and softly whispers “I love you” into her ear, getting a smile and a slight squeeze on the hand that's resting against Jocelyn's upper front body in response. Feeling content, Maggie closes her own eyes for a peaceful sleep.

The next morning, Maggie opens her eyes to Jocelyn's loving gaze. Jocelyn is laying on her side and silently watches Maggie wake up.

“What are you looking at?” Maggie murmurs with a smile and arches her back a little in order to stretch before turning to fully look at the woman next to her.

“You. I have painfully denied myself this view recently so I'm doing some catching up.” Jocelyn rests her head on her hand without letting her eyes off Maggie.

“Ah… May I ask for how long you've been doing so?”

“Just a couple of minutes...” Jocelyn answers, not daring to say it's probably been about an hour since she woke up and lay calmly on her side, just watching her girlfriend.

“I see. Do you like the view, then?” Her smile turns smug as she turns to lie on her back, only her head turned to Jocelyn.

“Very. I've never seen one prettier.” Jocelyn moves closer to Maggie, places her head on her covered breasts and her arm on her belly. She can feel her heart beat and just feels safe. Home.  
Maggie lets her hand and fingernails circle on Jocelyn's back. There are butterflies in her stomach. She feels so very lucky. She leans in to plant a tender kiss on Jocelyn's frizzy hair and notices the gray hair getting more and more visible. It looks adorable. Her love for this woman is growing even bigger.

“Would you care to eat breakfast with me, petal?”

A rush of shame and guilt flushes through Jocelyn's body as she remembers Maggie desperately asking her a similar question at lunch yesterday. She lifts her head up to look at Maggie.

“Yes, I would like that...” 

But Maggie seems to have forgotten about yesterday's moment as she smiles at Jocelyn. Or she doesn't care. The reaction relieves her and prevents her from getting anxious again.  
They roll out of bed and walk into the kitchen. Maggie orders Jocelyn to sit and let her fix the breakfast. Jocelyn tries to resist at first but it doesn't help.

“You've been going through so much, let me spoil you a little. Sit down.” Maggie says firmly and points to the chair behind Jocelyn who does as she's told.

“But you have spoiled me so much already, Mags. I really can help you.”

“No.”

Jocelyn leans back on her chair and is left to watch her girlfriend bustle around. Finally, she lets herself down on the chair opposite to her and they start. Maggie watches Jocelyn take a small bites from her toast, glad she's eating.

“What?” Jocelyn notices Maggie's look as she swallows her last bit of toast.

“Oh, nothing. I just like it when you're doing alright.” 

“Hm...” she smiles and brings her cup of tea to her mouth, smelling its strong scent before taking a sip. Over the edge, she looks at Maggie who continues to smile at herself while cracking her egg. There's this warm feeling spreading in her chest again and her heart starts to beat faster. Only this time it's not from anxiety but out of love. Love for this extraordinary woman whose golden hair is falling in her face right now as she looks down at her egg. Her elegant and strong fingers peeling the shell to reveal the white inside before brushing a strand of hair behind her ear only for it to fall loose again. Her thoughts wander and she thinks of what else these wonderful fingers can do. And have done already. She realises how well she seems to be doing again if she can think of these things at the breakfast table. Maggie really is the only remedy she needs. And also the one interrupting her thoughts.

“So, do you want to continue work today? Or take the day off and we just do some relaxing stuff? Take a walk, maybe, or… I'll read a book to you or whatever?” Maggie has finished her egg and looks eagerly at Jocelyn.   
Jocelyn goes through the options Maggie presented to her. Work is the most sensible, logical choice. She needs to get on with it. But she doesn't really feel up to it yet and feels a hint of anxiety just thinking about it. So that's out of the picture.

“Let's take a walk. Now.” Jocelyn gets up and starts cleaning the table and quickly washes the dishes before Maggie can interfere. They both take a short shower and throw on some clothes comfortable for a walk.

“Ready?” Maggie asks smiling.

“With you, always.” Jocelyn grins back and grabs her hand as soon as they're out of the door.

They walk, hand in hand, down the cliff path and to the beach where a few people are enjoying the good weather already. The waves are small today, there's not much wind. Maggie and Jocelyn stride through the sand, not saying much. They reach a path leading up the cliffs and decide to leave the beach. The path leads them to a bench that not many people come by, usually. 

“Why don't we sit down for a moment and enjoy the view?” Maggie says while already taking course on the bench, not even waiting for a response.  
They sit down close to each other, never letting go of the other's hand. Their bodies touch and Maggie leans her head on Jocelyn's shoulder, looking out onto the glistening sea. Her thumb gently strokes Jocelyn's hand. She's at peace here with the woman she loves.  
Jocelyn carefully rests her head on Maggie's and smells her hair. Smells have always been a form of comfort and once again don't let her down. Her breathing is calm and her mood is good. The sun is warming her face. Today is a good day, a fresh start. It can only get better with one thing.  
She removes her head from Maggie's, takes her free hand and uses it to lift Maggie's chin to make her look at her. She looks deep into the eyes which are channeling the blue sea right now.

“I love you. More than anything or anyone else in the world.” she says in a soft voice and places a kiss on Maggie's lips. 

Maggie is positively surprised by this gesture and smiles lovingly.

“I love you, too, darling.” she replies and goes in for a deep kiss. Both women close their eyes in pleasure and can't seem to let go again. When they finally do, they smile at each other before going back to resting their heads against the other's. The sun lights their faces as they watch the waves roll in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it! thank you for reading my little story. i hope you enjoyed it and that i could soothe your feelings with this soft ending. they needed it and so did my mental health haha.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i will post the next part of this as soon as possible.  
> please excuse any nontypical and repeated word choices due to english being my second language... :D


End file.
